Friday, July 20, 2012

Overwhelming at times....

Basically everything lately.  Yes, everything.  I'm being THAT dramatic.  There seems like so many things going on at the moment, from the obviously big (and getting bigger each day) to the small, tedious things in life (Lloyd will just not poop when I want him to!).  I've been facing an internal battle with what's most important, what should I be focused on, what I should be doing each day.  And it's weighing heavy.  I know, know, I have such a hard life. 

Here's where I am going to start with my feelings (because MAYBE two people will read this and I love you both): I feel so lucky that I'm petrified.  Every day, I am in a constant state of panic waiting for the universe to correct itself and put me back in my place, as a person that doesn't deserve the life I have been given currently.  I am so lucky to have Mike (which I tell him daily, he's exhausted with being so loved, I'm like Christian Grey, yeesh), so lucky to have a job that I don't mind going to (I can't say I love it, but it's fine and being paid is great!), and so lucky that we are having a baby together and growing our family.  We love Lloyd and Milton, but let's be honest, this ins't the same thing.  I have waited my whole life to make a family, and somehow it is happening/has happened.  And I'm convinced that I don't deserve this kind of greatness from God, he's been REALLY good to me lately, and it's unnerving.  So I take it out on Iris and myself by panicking that something will happen, something is going to go wrong.  Which isn't likely, I know rationally, but I sit and wait.  I have read that this kind of worry can be normal for first pregnancies, the excitement of wanting a baby with not knowing how it all works exactly, makes you crazy with every cramp, movement, ache.  So I try to get a grip and remember all of that, but that's where I'm at, in a constant state of panic that I am going to make a mess of growing our beautiful girl somehow. 

Next.  I'm a planner.  Not new news.  And with the new addition comes  A LOT of new and different things.  So I'm knee deep in pieces of paper, books, magazines, websites all siting what you "need" for baby, how you should be preparing, what you should/shouln't be doing/eating/thinking/breathing.  My brain hurts.  All the while, my lovely Husband is checking the sports scores and making the dog crazy.  I feel like there's no way we can be prepared for her arrival, especial now that I'm 23 weeks pregnant and we don't have her room completely finished (we actually haven't even started, but if it were up to me, we'd be done...).  Realistically, we aren't going to be prepared.  Even when we have the room set-up, the classes completed, the frozen dinners made (yeah, I'm that person, I don't have family to help), we aren't going to be prepared.  We can't possibly be, this is something totally new and life-changing.  Even for the most-prepped couples, there is no way you're ever fully prepared, until the little sucker arrives and you're stuck with him/her forever (I mean that in the nicest way possible).  And man is that overwhelming at the best of times.  Important question: how do you actually come up with a playlist that you want to hear during labor?!  I've read through the lists and suggestion, and honestly, none of it is noise that will make this whole thing less horrifying and less painful.  Just sayin'.

And then there's the rest of the world.  Didn't think I remembered that was still out there, right?!  This year is amazing for my friends and family, everyone's doing big things (whoop whoop), having babies, buying houses, getting married, you name it, someone is doing it.  Not to mention I still have to be a wife and friend, as well as a person that pays bills (boo).  So many things to celebrate, travel for, remember, and accomplish.  Things are easing up a bit for Mike and I now that we're starting to get settled here, but there's still so many things floating around out there.  I've become a sticky-note and list freak, even by my standards.  So many great things, so little time!

So, I'm done venting about my really nice life.  I know, feel sorry for me.  But really, I need to write this crap down so that I don't have to fill Mike's brain with all this mush, he doesn't need to listen to this kind of dribble.  I'm so happy I'm scared.  It doesn't make sense, I know.  Just bear with me and I'm sure I'll get it together eventually, or maybe not.  Stay tuned.  And thanks for listening :-)

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